Silence
Eyes need a break,
So do ears,
As well as the mouth
and hands.
I invite you to shut off your phone,
close your eyes, and be with the silence
for 3 minutes.
What’d you notice?
In-Between
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
When I was walking in the Middlesex Fells Reservation recently, I came across this unusual tree. It stopped me in my tracks and pulled me from the path. Looking at the tree I was immediately drawn to the small split in the middle and the widen gap as the limbs extended further up. I thought of times, as a kid, out exploring and wedging my foot in the middle of trees and rocks and getting stuck for a while - having anxious moments and questioning if I’d be able to get myself out of the jam.
As kids and adults, we can easily get stuck in situations we find ourselves in. The dilemmas that life hands us can leave us feeling caught between two extremes. These moments are pivotal and some of our early teachings may guide us on how we respond, or don’t, and if we choose to share the dilemma with anyone.
In Open Dialogue, we notice double-binds and are curious about these dilemmas that can carry serious weight and consequences, physically and emotionally, when holding onto the stress of making a choice between two or more undesirable options, often related to fear, confusion, shame, and rejection.
Like trees, in time our bodies will give way to the pressure and buckle in some way. And like tress, the only way they can survive is through accepting and sharing of nutrients with the other trees through their own shared pathways.
Responding
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you feel and do about what happens to you." -Harold S Kushner reflecting on Viktor E Frankl
Life will provide us with many trials and experiences, some inconvenient, disappointing, hurtful, and others extreme and traumatic. The force may shake us so greatly that it will pull us away from the essence of who we are at our core, our true self, offsetting our natural ability to recover from the event. The journey often becomes increasingly arduous the further we get from our true essence.
If we choose to intentionally respond, with all our abilities and limitations, being true to ourself, it will reset our path towards deeper understanding, connectedness, and meaning.
The Guest House
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
by Rumi
Gratitude
A few days ago, my daughter & I took an hour drive to view an open house. We went to see my childhood home and the place I lived until the age of 15. My family & I moved out of this house over thirty years ago and I've always wanted to go back and see it (for the first time) from an outsider's perspective. While this home provided many fond memories, there's no doubt that part of the reason for visiting was in hope of a magical revelation to some unanswered questions regarding the most difficult days of my life. As I walked through the humble, cramped space that once molded my life, I imagined there may be a whispering through the walls of my old bedroom, an exhuming energy from the reclaimed old wooden floors, releasing meaning to the unresolved secrets that this house may bear after all these years.
When reflecting on the levels of despondency and insecurity during those early years, I think of the interruption it had on my development. It created such an obstacle to my emerging and connecting with the essence of who I was meant to be, even at a young age, which was a serious disruption with growing into my true self. This is what trauma does best. It forms fragments in life, disrupts the natural rhythm, produces deep doubt, detaches one from values, creativity, worthiness, and derails the ability from being rooted in the present because it's too painful to suffer the emotions that the present witnesses. It can generate a false presentation of oneself and an untruthful closeness in relationships.
"Trauma is the ultimate experience that this will last forever.” -Bessel van der Kolk
While I didn't quite know what to expect when visiting my old home, it ended up feeling much more like an objective experience than a personal one. My sense is that the effect of the past still lives within me and maybe I'd given it more credit than it deserved. But now, it no longer holds the weight it once had when it jeopardized my path and tainted my dreams. The wound that had felt raw for so long has healed much more than I've noticed. While I've known fragility hasn't defined me for some time, it's actually much further away, behind me, than I had mapped out.
While I was moving throughout the house, the one thing I was clear about was my gratitude. This was unexpected. Bessel's quote above was my exact experience all those years ago. I never could have imagined a future where my past wouldn't define me for the rest of my life. My gratitude reminded me that this is not my experience today or my family's. It’s simply just a part of us, our history, and not a secret. Also, I began thinking of my family and friends - past & present - all who gradually provided me a sense that it was safe to reset myself and move closer to who I am supposed to be.
The grace of relationships has healed me – spiritually & personally. While the wound still gets scratched once in a while, the level of vulnerability that held me back for many years has become my strength, and it has meaning, allowing me to respond from this place. This was unimaginable years ago. I'm grateful for the scars that remind me of how life was, how life is today, and being hopeful how it is going to be.
Borrowing-Investing-Replanting for the Future
Debt can accrue fast, really fast, sucking the nutrients from personal growth and our closest relationships. The accumulation of borrowed money from student & personal loans, credit cards, car payments, medical bills, a mortgage, can easily get out of control and impact our lives, for decades, if not given enough attention and intention. On the other hand, becoming debt free and moving towards de-stressed indebtedness and savings typically builds slowly over time - taking commitment, consistency, guidance, wise decision making, and patience.
A major factor in both borrowing and investing is the interest accrued – and, in particular, the compound interest, which is the interest paid (for debt), or received (for investing), based on the principal balance plus the accumulated interest already accrued.
As an example – if you invested 1-cent for 1-month and doubled your investment each day here’s what happens. After week 1 you’d accrue $.64, after week 2: $81.92, after week 3: $10,485.76, and at the end of the month you’d have $5,368,709.12
While this example of accumulation doubling each day is nearly unheard of, (in a short timeframe), just think about the other side of the coin and how our debt accumulates with compound interest. In reality, debt accrues at a much faster rate, due to high interest rates and fees.
For better or worse, our families and caregivers are our early models regarding money management. Also, I don’t remember being taught anything about financial literacy in grade school or high school. Maybe this is one of the reasons my generation, Gen X, carries the highest amount of consumer debt in the US.
This is such a significant issue within the health of our relationships and partnerships. Having a grasp and being on the same page with finances, improving communication, creating an effective budget/plan can influence not only the current financial situation, but your growth and your family’s future - in addition to other areas of the relationship that are also deficient and in need of some new seeds for replenishing.
Faith
Today we celebrate Dr Martin Luther King Jr, who was born on 1/15/29 and assassinated on 4/4/68, at the age of 39-years old. This image is of a 36-year old, Dr Martin Luther King Jr, along with his fellow advocates & civil rights workers, following their arrest, on 2/1/65, during a peaceful protest at the Dallas County Courthouse, in Selma, Alabama, where they advocated for African American voting rights. About 250 people were arrested that day for "parading without a permit," during a non-violent protest.
This was 1965, the 100th year following the Confederate forces surrendering to the Union Army ending the Civil War. It was 100 years after Frederick Douglas, former slave & human rights activist, said: "Slavery is not abolished until the Black man has the ballot." Also, it was the year the Voting Rights Act of 1965 was signed into law.
MLK was deeply inspired and influenced by Jesus and Gandhi through their acts of compassion, tolerance, non-violence, and forgiveness. These courageous and compassionate parts of Jesus, Gandhi, & MLK, ignited the intolerance of some who were threatened by what they witnessed - these persons living with an open heart, their true self - and as a result murdered because of their faith, using their voice, and sacrifices made for other people.
”Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, “Love your enemies.” It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.” ~MLK
Resetting
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of restoring broken pieces of pottery and repairing it
through a mixture of powdered metals, such as gold & silver, while mending a
visible outline of the areas once damaged & broken, revealing its history, flaws &
imperfections, instead of discarding or concealing - piecing back together like
so many of us have had to do in our own lives.
Conversely, the harder we work to present ourselves in inaccurate ways is simply
denying one’s own reality, true self, becoming detached before eventually having
to face the truth. Denying and hiding our vulnerabilities sets us on a path towards
loneliness, potential reclusiveness, maybe worse. It will provide us with evidence
that we do not belong, weighted self-doubt, and prevent us from strengthening our
ability to open up to deeper levels of awareness, creativity, and being an active part
of meaningful and intimate relationships.
What are the areas in your life that need resetting in 2021?
Men's Group
Over the past year, I began thinking more seriously about expanding my practice to offer groups, workshops, and community events. I began looking at larger office spaces, to host these gatherings, but before long Covid hit. One of the things that has kept me going, in re to my practice, is not losing touch with the bigger picture – that there will be a vaccination and a life after the pandemic. People will begin gathering together again and I hope to provide one of those spaces. While we’re still several months away from having in-person groups, I’ve decided to begin an online group for young men. Here’s the details and please share with anyone who may be interested – thank you!
Men's Group for 20-something year olds
When: January 13 - April 14, 2021
Time: Every Wednesday @ 6:30-8pm
Where: Online video mtgs
Cost: $50 per mtg
Group focus: Life as a 20-something year old is often challenging in sustaining a healthy life balance. This group will focus on the positive & negative influences on men's emotional health - identity, values, belief, loss, relationships, independence, responsibility, career, finances, substances & tech use - all having impact on the moment and one's future. Men often take a big part of their life journey on their own, without a map, getting quite lost on the way. This group will work to navigate a better sense of direction, while learning and walking with other group members, as well as mindfully discovering more of your own true path.
The group will have a weekly topic, presented by the group facilitator, and then open up for group reflection & discussion. The group enrollment will end once the mtgs begin on Jan 13.
The group is for those residing in Massachusetts, due to licensure.
If you're interested: please go here for contact.
Trust Fall
Woke up this morning to rain falling
clocks heading backward
an election on the rise
and another man shot on the streets of Philadelphia
How far can we fall
where will we land
spiraling back in history
or forward mending our fears
Refusing to notice the fallen stain
with ineffective bleaching methods
as mothers of color senselessly continue
to bury their children.
Spirit
September is National Recovery Month and I'm thinking of the
many people & families affected by addiction, as well as the pain,
sadness, and separation that penetrates so many lives and
relationships. Also, I think of my own family and our battle with
generations of substance use and how themes related to secrecy
and lies created barriers to healing. I've learned that the residual
effect doesn't have to be so heavy over time, unless the journey is
about one continuing to carry the weight on their own.
Leftovers
I remember my first job after college. I had an admin position in a small office. I was motivated, inexperienced, impressionable,
and excited to be working at my first full-time job. Each
morning, which was life before mobile phones, the owner would
walk past me, as I sat at my desk outside his office, without
saying any word or making eye contact. I remember it was odd,
but I shrugged it off initially. As the routine grew, it got old fast.
I tried (with little success) to engage with him, but I began to
resent him and the tension between us grew. After a few
months, the newness and excitement with the job was quickly
wearing away.
When reflecting on relationships, I think about the intentionality one brings and just how much it impacts the other person, the overall relationship, and how the other responds and invests in the relationship. I think healthy relationships have patterns and keys that include how we move towards and convey meaning to one another - how I want to make this person feel - how to be part of something together.
Also, I think of the relationships that I’ve taken for granted, put little effort in, got more than I gave, only offering leftovers. Leftovers being the remainder of time unused, not making much effort, leaning on the convenience and predictability, and losing the freshness and desirability over a short period of time. Relationships lose life quickly when one is treated as a leftover.
I used the example of my former boss, because he didn’t feel the need to invest in the relationship, until he needed me for something. As a result, I did the same with him for a while and things were miserable for us and the colleagues around us. Fortunately, things shifted for the better, but it took time and effort to better understand each other and reach a greater level of acceptance.
I love the Toni Morrison quote, “When a child walks in the room, your child or anybody else’s child, do your eyes light up? That’s what they’re looking for.”
In the end, I’m not sure adults are looking for much more, especially from their close and intimate relationships.
Special thanks to Fei Taishi for sharing his “leftover pizza” photo for my blog entry. His website is: FeiTaishi.com
Invitation
I invite you to reach out to someone who may appreciate hearing
your voice, or maybe you hearing theirs. Maybe it’s a family member,
an old friend, or someone that is, or once was, important to you -
maybe overdue. Try not to overthink it and see what happens.
What Will Happen to Him?
“A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” -Malcolm X
This quote has been with me all day, my meditation, as the image of
George Floyd’s murder is impressed in my heart and mind. I’m continued
to be struck by the individuals, officers in this case, that make up systems
of followers, choosing not to effectively show up as leaders, in their
families and communities, instead seeking approval (from peers) with
their narrow lens focused on themselves.
We desperately need more leaders who are willing to plant perennial seeds
of change, while committed to being present and feeding the plants over
time - cultivating consistent dialogue and growing in meaningful
relationships allowing for the ecosystem to be rooted in healthy soil, calling
for light, sharing nutrients, budding in understanding, and a ripening to a
maturity that only requires water.
Today’s meditation guided me to thinking about the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I then came across this reflection, by Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.
“I remember when Mrs. King and I were first in Jerusalem. We rented a
car and drove from Jerusalem down to Jericho. And as soon as we got on
that road, I said to my wife, “I can see why Jesus used this as the setting
for his parable.” It’s a winding, meandering road. It’s really conducive
for ambushing.”
“You start out in Jerusalem, which is about 1200 miles — or rather 1200
feet above sea level. And by the time you get down to Jericho, fifteen or
twenty minutes later, you’re about 2200 feet below sea level. That’s a
dangerous road. In the days of Jesus it came to be known as the
“Bloody Pass.”
“And you know, it’s possible that the priest and the Levite looked over
that man on the ground and wondered if the robbers were still around.
Or it’s possible that they felt that the man on the ground was merely faking.
And he was acting like he had been robbed and hurt, in order to seize them
over there, lure them there for quick and easy seizure.”
“And so the first question that the priest asked — the first question that the
Levite asked was, “If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?” But
then the Good Samaritan came by. And he reversed the question: “If I do
not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?”
Perhaps the World Ends Here
The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat to live.
The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it has been
since creation, and it will go on.
We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They
scrape their knees under it.
It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be human.
We make men at it, we make women.
At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.
Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our children.
They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as we put ourselves
back together once again at the table.
This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.
Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the shadow
of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.
We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for burial here.
At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering and remorse.
We give thanks.
Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laughing and crying,
eating of the last sweet bite.
by Joy Haro (current U.S. Poet Laureate)
Hope
"Hope's home is at the innermost point in us and in all things. It is a quality of aliveness. It does not come at the end, as the feeling that results from a happy outcome, but rather it lies at the beginning, as a pulse that sends us forth. When our innermost being is attuned to this pulse it will send us forth in hope regardless of the physical circumstances. Hope fills us with the strength to stay present to abide in the flow of mercy no matter what outer storms assail us. It is entered always and only through surrender, that is, through the willingness to let go of everything we are presently clinging to and, yet, when we enter it, it enters us, and fills us with its own life - a quiet strength beyond anything we have ever known." ~Cynthia Bourgeault
I think of children being born of hope, they change families forever, the world. They have an inescapable presence and are able to generate energy, curiosity, playfulness, ability to love, forgive, and accept - drafting their own hopeful roadmap. Kids often have a great way of putting all their efforts into feeding their hopefulness.
Unfortunately, at times, we fail them, their environment breaks down, and interrupts the rhythmic pulse that enlivens their experiences, ceasing their power to remain in the present moment. Even in our current time, Zoombombing is a target of children and teachers, an offensive hack on their online learning, during a time of risk taking and self-expression.
This is an example of how people project their pain onto others, especially the most vulnerable, our children. As adults, when we don't have the emotional control we need, which is many of us (at times) we may want to think about looking towards other sources for help. A surrender, a letting go. Another source can help us understand our pain, accept our limitations, renew our ability to respond, to be present, and guide us towards our individual best and within our relationships.
A great role model of hope is Michael Gruenbaum, a child survivor of a Nazi concentration camp, who experienced the extreme darkness of humanity. In, Advice to Students and their Parents from a Holocaust Survivor, he writes, “Your resilience, your persistence, and your personal resolve can overcome the worst life has to offer. Now roll up your sleeves and get to work.”
A Different Way to Live
“People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” ~ Thomas Merton
As we try to keep some normalcy, day to day, we have the reality of death and loss being ever so present, manifesting in the fear for our health, loved ones, livelihood, and future. Yet, in many conversations I've had recently, I've heard about what is grounding people and being grateful and thankful for basic needs being met, relationships, and for those dedicated to caring for the community and risking their own lives doing so.
For me, climbing the ladder speaks of the disappointment from unfulfilled desires and expectations from choosing an individual pursuit, focused on self-preservation, power, and flattery. Also, the higher the climb requires someone at the bottom holding the ladder in place, keeping the climber safe. The concern is not about achieving success, but more about one being at the top and one left at the bottom. This widening gap and separation, between these two extremes of humanity, is what concerns me. As we move through these unmapped times in our lives, we need strong leaders to speak up for those at the bottom.
Why not you & me?
Finding Out
What if I asked you if you truly loved me,
would I find out you did not?
What if I stopped drinking,
would I be overcome by the lies?
What if I wasn’t overweight,
would I find out you still didn’t want me?
What if I really tried to succeed,
would I find out I really was a failure?
What if I shared my secret,
would it be as damaging as I’ve made it out to be?
What if I stopped being avoidant,
would I be unwelcomed?
What if I asked you why,
could you look me in the eyes and tell me?
What if I asked you if you truly loved me,
would I hear that you truly did?
What if I stopped drinking,
would I find out the truth about hope?
What if I wasn’t overweight,
would I find out you still want me?
What if I really tried to succeed,
would I find out I have much more within?
What if I shared my secret,
would it be the long-awaited opening?
What if I stopped being avoidant,
would I find out I’m welcomed?
And then I asked you why,
and you looked me in the eyes and told me.
Fear
When we look at the alarming rates of severe mental health experiences, and suicide, the thread of fear seems to steadily weave its way through. Fear of: rejection, not living up to a certain persona, not meeting expectations, not mtg family needs, the future, taking risks, speaking up, being exposed, death, being vulnerable, not fitting in, not feeling safe & grounded, and inescapable painful memories. When heavy emotions and experiences go unprocessed, the feeling of suffocating and having nowhere to turn may take its toll. Without the natural flow of these meaningful and painful experiences, there often is a buildup of avoidance, anger, sadness, isolation, control, and will eventually derail one's life leading to serious challenges managing day-to-day.
Dr Bert Karon, who was a psychologist for over 50 years, talked about fear and terror being the heart of the matter with mania, depression, and psychosis. In my opinion, Dr Karon's comments could extend even further into our families, communities, and the systems we are part of. As you’ll read below, many of us could substitute our own description of how we compensate and avoid fear and depression.
Dr Karon stated, "mania is an attempt to compensate for the depression, to avoid the depression. And it usually involves a lot of anger. And they usually know that when they are manic it scares the shit out of other people. If you listen to them they know it scares other people and they enjoy it - it's often people they want to scare, although they won't take responsibility for it. Sometimes with manic people you can't control them, but the one thing we know about manic people, and depressed people, is that if you don't do anything with them, except put them in a safe place, 80-90% will get completely better - without any kind of treatment - just keep them from hurting themselves or anybody else. Depression in general seems to be self limiting. The depression is more central than the manic state. If you just keep them safe they will get better in almost all cases. Psychosis is a state of chronic terror and the defenses against the state of chronic terror. Human beings are not intended to be terrified for weeks, months, on end, or in some cases years. We are not built to take that."
My understanding of Bert’s comment is how essential it is to break down fear and terror, first by being in a safe space and reducing the intensity, and once feeling calm enough can begin more of a healing process.
From my experience with Open Dialogue, and in my conversations with individuals and families, I've begun to notice more clearly the dilemmas in people's lives, also referred to as a "double-bind" - meaning the difficult choice needed to be made between two, or more, undesirable alternatives. These double-binds are often related to the list of fears mentioned earlier. The difficulty of this decision process stops us in our tracks, being unable to make choices, or how to respond to a problem. It limits our ability to take risks, likely for good reasons, and this is how experiences can go unprocessed - leaving a feeling of being suffocated and doing one's best to compensate so the fear doesn't become consuming. Once a person feels safe to begin sharing these fears, dilemmas, an opening allows for an ease to the suffocation and, as a result, releasing more of the painful experiences.
Pruning + Feeding
2019 is history!
I’m hopeful about the newness of 2020 and thinking a lot about the theme of pruning and resetting the things in my life that are unnecessary, disillusioned, or disruptive, and feeding more of my life with values that help me with being present in the moment and allowing for deepening my experiences and relationships.
One reason this theme has been present is due to a large maple tree in my yard, which needed to be trimmed to cut away the overgrowth and dead branches to support the health of the tree. I was actually researching how to prune it myself, (maybe a bit unrealistic), but then I came home after work last month and found a 250-300lb tree limb (that had broken off) and landed on a fence with most of it laying in my neighbor's yard. I was surprised because there wasn't any visual signs of the tree being so fragile and it didn't seem that the winds were strong enough to make such an impact.
I immediately contacted an arborist who was able to come and remove the broken limb and began to exam the tree and provide a sense of what it needed. Days later, after he pruned the tree, he found that a certain area of the tree had a growing infection, which was why the broken limb didn't have the strength to withstand a moderate storm. He sensed that it could have been from soil contamination or some root disturbance, but the tree needed ongoing help by providing nutrients and water to the soil around the tree. His ability to remove the infected area seemed to preserve the whole body of the tree, which wasn’t only important for the individual tree but the greater environment.
In my blog, from March 2018 - Leaning from Trees, I had mentioned that in Peter Wohlleben’s book, "The Hidden Life of Trees," he talks about trees being highly social and that they care and support each other to help with stabilizing one another - even in extreme weather conditions. He also talks about how they feed and support one another, without having conditions for each other, no matter what type of tree - and that while caring for others the tree is also caring and taking care of itself - seeming to realize that to feel well the trees need one another. In this case, the tree in my yard needed outside help from the arborist so that the tree could better withstand the extreme New England weather, as well as being strong enough to support the other local trees and plants.
Suzanne Simard, an ecologist and professor, at the University of British Columbia, also talks about the trees being in network with one another, and the elaborate root systems underground are massive communication pathways. She refers to trees not being individuals, due to constantly interacting with one another and helping each other to survive.
In my situation, the early response of the arborist gave me a greater sense of some of the problems affecting the tree, what it needed, and left the choice up to me on how to respond moving forward. I could have dealt with the situation on my own, but it became clear that I would have jeopardized the tree, and those in the network, over the next few years if I didn't have the arborist return to help with healing the tree.
Looking forward to 2020, I hope that being part of a growing network continues to evolve in helping with the growth, as well as the weathering of life’s storms, while being able to provide and feed off of the light and nutrients of others.