After great pain, a formal feeling comes

Garden of Gethsemane ‘23

After great pain, a formal feeling comes –

The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs –

The stiff Heart questions ‘was it He, that bore,’

And ‘Yesterday, or Centuries before’?

The Feet, mechanical, go round –

A Wooden way

Of Ground, or Air, or Ought –

Regardless grown,

A Quartz contentment, like a stone –

This is the Hour of Lead –

Remembered, if outlived,

As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –

First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go –

~ Emily Dickenson (public domain)

Radical Acceptance

“If you go down a road once, and it is the wrong road, you cannot go down that same road again, because it will still be the wrong road.” ~ Marsha Linehan

It’s remarkable how we can find ourselves going down the same road, again and again, looking and hoping for a different outcome - struggling to surrender to the fact that we’re in the place we’re in and the unperceived coexistence of the good and bad parts that make up the experience. It’s often foolish and irrational, the imbalance of the emotional and reasonable mindset, partly because of the history, distraction, and familiarity.

Often, the very thing we want to obtain, or change, comes from accepting who and what is. What appears to be, is just that, and being able to loosen the grip on the steering wheel, letting the foot off the gas pedal, even stopping the car in its tracks, is what allows for a change in direction, a refocusing on openness and understanding, and the vast array of possibilities and contentment.

Israel-Palestine

On October 1, I returned home after spending nearly two weeks on a spiritual pilgrimage in Israel and Palestine. The war began 6 days later. The trip was planned last year and I frequently wondered what it would be like to travel in a country where conflict could break out at any moment. While being there, the thought hardly came to mind due to the deeply meaningful experience. I felt like I was at the center of the world traveling through the Israeli and Palestinian lands.

Some of the holiest places in the world for Jews, Muslims, & Christians are within the ancient Jerusalem walls, a few hundred meters of each other. When Christians are walking the Via Dolorosa to the Holy Sepulchre, Jews are praying at the Western Wall, while Muslims pray above the Wall at the Al Aksa Mosque, the location of the Dome of the Rock, on the Temple Mount. I’m inspired to learn more, especially since returning home, and trying to better understand the cross-cultural intersectionality, which continues to render me speechless.

As the trip was ending, we were on the bus heading back (to the hotel) on the narrow, busy streets, filled with cars, bikes, and lined with shops, fruit and vegetable carts, and stray cats roaming the dusty, cracked sidewalks. Looking out the window, a painted image gave me a flashback to the mural I saw on the day I arrived. The bus (from the airport) drove by a large mural on the side of an old, run down, auto repair station. It was of a print that I have hanging in my office, Love is in the Air - by Banksy. I immediately got excited to see it, but quickly shrugged it off assuming it was a reproduction.

 Now, riding on the bus, I excitedly looked online for the original location of my favorite work of art by Bansy. Sure enough, I was in the place of the original Love is in the Air mural. It was a few hundred meters from my hotel in Beit Shahour, a small town just east of Bethlehem, located in the West Bank. The bus driver dropped me off and I got to spend some time with the subversive and paradoxical image of the young protester, hat backwards, bandana partly over face, and ready to launch, not a molotov cocktail, but a bouquet of flowers!

 The moment I saw the Love is in the Air image years ago, I was immediately drawn to it. I saw part of a young version of myself, in the protester, working and struggling to form a sense of radical love - one that I continue to try to embrace and extend. A strong sense of radical love that I experienced in my time traveling throughout Israel-Palestine.

While spending time with the peaceful protester on the wall, I wondered where he was aiming the bouquet of flowers? When I pulled out my phone and pointed it in the same direction, the map showed it was a straight shot to Jerusalem, yes, the “City of Peace.”

Open the Door

Relationship Questions & Reflection

Think about the time in your life when you fell in love with your spouse/partner.

What was special about them?

What was beginning to happen between you both during this time?

What were the little things you did for one another that were meaningful?

What happened to those little things?

If you were sitting together, right now, what would you share with them?

What questions would you have for them?

How often do you both talk about this time in your lives?

How do your children react when hearing these stories?

Looking back on this time, how far or how close do these experiences feel to where your relationship is today?

Loyalty

Love is always loyal.

Love demands your absolute loyalty.

Love won't even look at a disloyal lover.

Love is the only food for a starving lover.

Without love, you're just a meaningless facade.

~ Rumi

Broke-----------Struggling-----------Stable-----------Ease-----------Freedom

Where would you say you currently land on this financial scale?
Broke……….Struggling……….Stable……….Ease……….Freedom

For many of us, the left-side of the scale has been all too familiar given the 2022 Stress in America Study from the American Psychological Association. Approximately, 3/4 of adults, ages 18-57 years old, report considerable levels of financial stress, while just under 50% of people ages 58-76, say they have significant worry about their financial situation. Given all we’ve been through the past several years, and the economic impact, there should be serious concern.

Reports say that 2/3 of US households live paycheck to paycheck, which includes half of those in higher income brackets. A good portion of them being unable to cover emergency expenses of $400 or more. This is where credit cards often come in and, while they can serve a purpose in emergency, are often used in ways leading to troublesome amounts of debt and stress levels penetrating and disrupting multiple parts of life and relationships, resulting in feeling unstable and without a clear vision for the future.

Yet, there is hope.

Having an understanding about how much money is coming in, how it’s being spent, accrued debt, what can I afford….in other words a budget. Without a budget, it’s difficult to have a sustainable plan. Asking someone you know for help, who has their finances in order, can help with a reset. Also, some therapists, such as myself, can help reorganize and make a healthy financial plan on appropriate distributions towards expenses, spending, savings, and giving.

Brushstrokes

“I'm not interested in 'abstracting' or taking things out or reducing painting to design, form, line, and color. I paint this way because I can keep putting more things in it - drama, anger, pain, love, a figure, a horse, my ideas about space. Through your eyes it again becomes an emotion or idea.” - Willem de Kooning

The wise and creative mindset can be understood as a balance of the emotional, reasonable, and spiritual parts within us. Like splashes of paint dribbling on the canvas, the gestures and utterances become an exchange in the flow of inner and outer experiences. Interruption of this life flow is like the clotting of blood to the heart, and to the brain, causing a heart attack or a stroke.

The abstract expressionist is called to action, in response to the importance of the call, to act on what is true, with a turning towards, in an attempt to make contact.

Equanimity

Banksy: Love is in the Air

“When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can’t accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform.”   
Thich Nhat Hanh

The moments when we are calm and composed, in the most difficult situations, are examples of this expanding heart that Thich Nhat Hanh describes. This takes work and I think it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves, as well as a responsibility, evolving so that we’re able to tap into the inner parts of our self that dial down the negative responses, poor coping skills, and dial up the parts that influence feeling grounded, calm, confident, compassionate, clear, and creative.

Social Networks

“Dialogue is a way of thinking together, where understanding is formed between the participants, as something that exceeds the possibilities of a single person.” - Jaakko Seikkula & Tom Arnkil

In our world that has become filled with crisis and chaos, separation and estrangement, there seems to be a lack of dialogue. When monologues become the one-sided answer, it can be fuel for worry and blame. While recognizing the need for individual control and space, be mindful of drifting too far off shore where the light may fade, conditions more extreme, and waters desolate.

With dialogue, meaning emerges over time, often unexpectedly, building upon responses and revealing common language and deeper understanding

Remembrance

On 9/11/01, I was a new resident of New York City, moving there three months earlier and became my home for the next six years.

September 11th was a day of destruction, desperation, and loss. While living in the city, the days and months following, there was an extraordinary amount of kindness, service, and sacrifice from people who became guides to lighten the burden over a long period of time.

This overall experience changed me. If there is one day that has separated my life, into two parts, it was on this monumental inscription twenty one years ago today. 

I pray for the many people and families that continue to grieve the loss from that day.

Persevere

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.”
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

Life is often about finding ways to remain poised amongst disorder. Preparedness and mastery in moving through times when it feels chaotic and uncertain can lead to some of the greatest strengths we can provide ourselves. There’s a maturity in learning from past setbacks and recognizing the signs and events leading up to the storms when the waves grow larger and come crashing in. While it may be initially about finding the right shelter, there is a growing need to evolve in our self awareness which provides the courage and confidence to respond effectively, creating new patterns, and knowing that I will get through this, it will pass, and moving towards initiating reorder.

Silence

This month is the holy month of three monotheistic religions, meaning all three worship one God and deny the existence of multiple gods. Ramadan on the Islamic calendar, Passover for Judaism, and Lent - Holy Week - Easter for Christians. Prayer, reflection, fasting, almsgiving, are a thread that make their way through these traditions and rituals. Whether identifying as being part of one of these religions, or not, the practice of these acts takes perseverance and dedication, as one reflects on suffering and sacrifice while hoping to find deeper meaning within.

Intentional time in silence is one way to gain strength and understanding, while discovering a closeness the lies at the center.

One

Our hearts and voices are with Ukraine, Syria, Haiti, Israel-Palestine, Yemen, Ethiopia, and all who are facing war. After two years of a global pandemic, it's clear how much we are united in humanity, yet, being devided by the lure of power, pride, and egotism. We are being invited to safely move towards our neighbors, not further away, including our own families, sharing our benevolence.

Tax Season

For many, tax season magnifies stress levels while revealing the reality of one’s financial situation. This emotional impact shapes family arguments, control, fear, imbalance, on many parts of life.

Responding with a plan starts with a budget.

INCOME: Household Monthly                                             $
(take home after tax)  

EXPENSES:
Housing:
Rent/Mortgage, Gas, Oil, Electric, Cable/Internet,            $
Water, Real Estate Taxes, Homeowners/Renters
Insurance, Home Repairs / Projects

Loans/Debt:
Credit cards, Auto, Student, Personal loan,                         $
Medical bills, Add'l mortgage

Transportation:                                                             $
Auto Insurance, Gas, Maintenance
Subway/Bus pass, Uber/Lift

Food:                                                                                     $
Groceries, Restaurants/Bars, Coffee

Personal:                                                                            $
Mobile phone, Medical/Health costs,
Streaming (movies, music, news…..)
Gym, Clothing, Misc/Fun money
Life insurance 

Kids:
Diapers, Daycare, Tuition, Babysitter /Nanny                   $

Charitable Giving:                                                        $
Church/Temple/Mosque, Food bank/Pantries,
Organizations

Investments:
After tax stocks, mutual funds, roth ira’s…..                      $
(this is separate from money withdrawn from
your paycheck)

Any add’l monthly expense:                                      $ 

    INCOME
-_EXPENSES
NET INCOME

If there’s money left over, think about putting towards debt and building an emergency fund.
If there’s a negative balance, think about getting some help with ideas to balance your budget.

Still Dreaming

Still dreaming of a joyous daybreak / at the end of a long night / where justice a reality to all / 

the moment no longer overlooked and underestimated /The architect is coming back / 

to cash the defaulted promissory note / insufficient funds and bankruptcy an invalid excuse / 

as the great vaults are exposed / It’s time for a Promise / an invigorating autumn / 

a guarantee of freedom and equality / a right to Pursue.

Rest and tranquility a dream / as unsheltered bodies / heavy with fatigue / stripped of their dignity / 

and eyes that once made contact with theirs / Satisfaction comes not with separation / 

but when our waters and streams are flowing abundantly / into the hands of those who have been 

parched for far too long.

Still dreaming of a day when the bells will be rung.

Reveal

“Suffering cuts through all the appearances behind which we hide, until it reaches the depths where the living self dwells. Suffering penetrates to the secret of this most intimate life in the soul of a human being.”
- Louis Lavelle

Our suffering is meant to be shared, otherwise, our bodies retain the tension that fuels fruitless life patterns and experiences. Dialogue provides us with a response to pain and distress. It opens up hope, while reconstructing the narrative. The revealing of doubts and inner truths deepen our sense of self, and the past, while providing greater acceptance of the suffering, evolving into a purposeful guide and moving towards a clearer path, with others, illuminating the search for meaning.

Intimacy

“You can’t understand the most important things from a distance. You have to get close.” ~ Bryan Stevenson

Fear, anger, and shame make it really uncomfortable to get close to people, especially those who have hurt us, or that we’ve hurt. Maybe it’s my fear, anger, and shame that I need to have more of a relationship with.

Seasonal Condition

“Ladders and stages suggest leaving behind the previous rung or stage. Actually, one adds new dimensions to what one is, like a tree adds rings.” - Thomas Keating

In the US Northeast, autumn has arrived and has brought the usual wet-cool weather, leaves falling, less sunlight, and conditions enticing us to spend more time indoors, becoming increasingly dormant and less active. A dated study, from the EPA - Environmental Protection Agency, from 20+ years ago, found that Americans averaged 7% of their time outdoors and 93% of their time indoors. Today, I imagine it's even a higher percentage of time indoors. This is concerning as we face a growing demand for mental health support, especially during Covid, for kids, adults, & families.

As we deal with the seasons of life, as well as the stressful holiday months upon us, I'd like to offer two suggestions to manage stress.

Get outdoors. Take walks, fresh air breaks, preferably with someone in conversation, but alone time outside is key as well. Being outside a building/car enlivens the senses, and pulls us out of our comfort zone - working areas of the brain that go underutilized - shaping self-esteem, courage, and feeling calmer.

Be generous. Volunteering and reaching out to others is an expression of love, relating to compassion & kindness also being essential nourishment for the brain - building confidence, connection, and clarity.

Also, generosity is a triple benefit:

1) the person receiving the act/service is strengthened by the gesture, 2) the volunteer is nourished by sacrificing one's time & contribution, 3) the community is built up by the connection made by these generous moments, hopefully inspiring others to give.

Being outdoors and living generously invites us to look beyond what's directly in front of us - expanding our view, recharging us, in how we respond to conditions impacting us. We're often not as limited as we perceive and stepping outside the box uncovers our resiliency allowing us to evolve and develop a stronger sense of self.

Share your story, ask someone about theirs.

Course Correction

Adam Grant, organizational psychologist, talks about Blockbuster and Blackberry, two massive companies that lacked expansive innovation and being able to evolve. Their philosophy being that what was working for them, during years of significant growth, would always work - aka the “Blockbuster Effect.”  Growing evidence was provided to these companies that their model wasn’t sustainable. The future would bring movies steaming online and smart phones changing the way we live and communicate. Both companies chose not to change with the times and more or less resulted in their demise.

In comparison, our lives and relationships will provide signs and options for course corrections, as long we’re attentive and open to adjust to the early signs. We need people that we trust to give us feedback, help us with our blind spots, greet our vulnerabilities, encourage self-compassion, while guiding and encouraging us along the way to readjust the parts within, and in our environment, that we may be overlooking.